Lord, I am tired of wearing a Mask!

I recently decided that it would be best for me not to open up my heart to anyone who I thought might try to hurt me, bring drama, or confusion into my life simply because I live a very peaceful life and anything that would remotely remind me of any situation or person in my past, I would run like Forest Gump. (lol) Run Forest!  I can honestly say that this decision was based only on fear because I refuse to be hurt again by those who would say that they love me or cared about me.  God begin to show me that I was isolating or insulating myself or for the lack of a better word protecting and shielding myself from enjoying life and those who are around me.  I have been so busy trying to stop people from hurting me which at times I would say things to end the friendship or relationship before they had a chance to get me or before it would get off the ground good.  For some of you it maybe that you just started a new relationship with someone and you are already suspicious of them and they haven’t done a thing to deserve this kind of treatment.  You want to open up to them but in your mind you can’t get past the last time you opened up to someone they hurt you.  Advertisement

  The devil had me believing that these people only wanted my gifts not me.  It felt like as though they only wanted what I could do for them, but they didn’t want me as a person.  For so many years, I had been trying to let people see the human side, the woman that I am and when I did they abused me and left me wounded.  They never thought about the fact that I am a person with feelings, and that I have desires just like they do.  I could be sitting down having a conversation with other women and everyone else could express themselves and when I would say how I feel or what I wanted then they would have objections and give their opinions as though they just had a revelation that she is a woman just like us.  I wanted my friends to have dinner with me, without talking about church or the next thing to do; I just wanted a sense of normalcy. We would be sitting down having dinner and they wanted me to bless the food, before I knew it, I would say bless your own food, I have said mine with the fork going toward my mouth.  So, I begin to put a disclaimer on my outings I would say I don’t want to minister when I go out I just want to be Sonya. Often times I don’t even want people to know what I do simply because this becomes our conversation.  And, because of this it made me put up a shield or a mask, because this is what people wanted from me.  Sometimes you just want the people you love to remember that you are human and with that you feel, hurt, and have desire just like everyone else.  

I know many of you can understand this?  You are the dependable and reliable one but you are the one that they mistreat.  How is it that the other person gets the dinner and the movies and all you get is their struggle?  How is it that you are always the one trying to help them and they don’t even call to see how you are doing?  Where can you go or who can you talk to where you can just be real about your ups and downs, where it will not return to you in a negative way.  I remember when I was married and I walked in the house and threw myself on the bed and I said, Lord I have no place to lay my head.  I have to keep on every hat or else he would tell me I am not strong enough but he failed to remember that I am human and out of all places he should have been my resting place. Lord, I just needed a resting place.  Recently, I was reading in the word where the Lord told David I will listen to you, I will encourage you, I will be your resting place and tears begin to fall down my face because I really needed to release what was on my heart.  

For so many years, I lived my life trying to help everyone else and be there for everyone else that I neglected me, the real me until I have buried her.  I wanted people to see the real me but instead, I gave them the business woman, or the woman who ministers. People only wanted what I could do for them and that is what I gave.  I remember writing a poem and this is what it said;  

Where did the love for herself go,

Was it buried in the snow,

It’s been so long ago, I don’t even know her anymore.  

You see when God uses you people forget that you are human with human desires, so you stay in this box of isolation.  Maybe you don’t minister but people can only see you as someone to have sex with, or maybe they only see you as a parent, a listener, a provider, available for their use only, or someone to always share their problems with but there is so much more to you than this.  We begin to think that this is how life will always be.   The bible says, ‘that there is a time and a season for everything under the sun.’  We all need a time where we can just be ourselves.  

I don’t want you to get it twisted some people are not suppose to be in our lives.  Some people are supposed to only see you in a certain way, but those are not the people that I am speaking of.  I believe that there are people in our lives where we can be transparent and be who we really are without having the fear of what do they want from us, or will they going to hurt me too.  

I will speak about me, as many of you may or may not know I am relocating to a new city and because I can’t see everything that God is doing I have decided to isolate myself because I can’t allow anyone else to hurt me, or to treat me like I am not human.  Here is the deal , I am trying to prevent it before I even arrive because I just don’t know what I would do if I get hurt again, this let’s me know that I need to be delivered from my past so that I can enjoy my future.  The funny thing is this I am relational, but I don’t get involved with people because of my past.  I have learned that when I do that I am keeping my past in my present and holding my future hostage.  Lord, Deliver Me from Past!    

India Arie has a song and in her song she says this:

You have your foot on the gas going into your future while

Looking back at your past

You are about to wreck your future while running from your past

Slow down baby slow down.  

I realize that we give our past life by talking about it all the time.  It brings back up the hurt and the pain that went along with it.  Then we have those who I will call grave diggers who always want to bring up your past failures and mistakes as though their past is as clean as a whistle.  So my prayer for you and myself is Lord, we need some rest!  Lord, I am tired of talking about what use to be and teach us how to live, love, and enjoy life now.  Lord, help us to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made and let us move on to our destiny with joy and peace.  Lord, remove those around us who want to continue to remind us of what mistakes we made and give us a place where we can just be ourselves.  I ask that you would destroy every mask so that we can be free to be who we are now, we thank You and we praise You, Lord we need a resting place.  In Jesus name we pray amen.  

Beautifully Speaking,  

Sonya