2004 was a year of extremes on the aisle, with many movies offering a thought-provoking, entertaining experience, while some seemed to have no plot, no character development, no chemistry, no tension, and no point, except maybe to promote some prominently placed products. Today, we're here to address the latter category,
Among flicks earning honorable mention are Christmas with the Kranks (Least Heartwarming Holiday Adventure), an insufferable tribute to religious intolerance, and Dogville (Worst Independent Film), an interminable staged reading being passed off as a feature film.
Then there's Envy (Worst Buddy Comedy), which found a way to squeeze all the funny out of both Jack Black and Ben Stiller. Anchorman (Worst Ensemble Comedy) did the same to Will Ferrell, while First Daughter (Worst Rip-Off) was just a lame, thinly-veiled re-hash of Chasing Liberty. Team America (Most Inappropriate Animated Adventure) presented marionettes performing soft-porn, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (Worst Teensploit) proved to be shooting star Lindsay Lohan's first career setback, and After the Sunset (Worst Whodunit) was a neverending music video masquerading as a cat-and-mouse crime caper.
Speaking of felines, the disappointing Catwoman (Worst Superhero) managed to make Halle Berry seem more silly than sexy. Finally, The Whole Ten Yards (Worst Mafia Comedy) was a classic take-the-money-and-run sequel and Around the World in 80 Days (Worst Remake) was an ill-advised overhaul of an Oscar-winning Best Picture.
Still, none of the above were quite in the class of the year's absolute worst, most of which were blaxploitation flicks which reflect Hollywood's recent trend towards resurrecting ethnic stereotypes. Who would've guessed that Halle and Denzel's Oscar wins would usher in an African-American Hollywood Renaissance so offensive?
The 10 Worst List 2004
10. Barbershop 2
This sorry sequel replaces the politically-incorrect humor of the original with an array of jive, yo-mama-style putdowns, indulging in indiscriminate personal attacks based on color, religious preference, and national origin, insensitively identifying dark skin, Islam and African heritage as all undesirable. For example, when a little girl complains that her barbecued hamburger is burnt, the response she gets is, "That ain't burnt. See that brother over there? That's burnt." Most of the material is in bad taste, such as when the DC Snipers are celebrated as "The Jackie Robinsons of crime," for being the first black serial killers.
9. Johnson Family Vacation
When a comedy stars a couple of seasoned pros like Cedric the Entertainer and Steve Harvey, it is not unreasonable to expect an offering far funnier than this listless road trip. The movie is essentially a two-hour car commercial underwritten by the Ford Motor Company with a script designed as a platform for its Lincoln SUV. There is considerable precedent in this regard, given that the company even admits commissioning British writer Carole Matthews to feature Fords in her novels and short stories.
This flick's idea of humor is having Nate Johnson (Cedric) make a fuss over his new Ford while his son DJ (Bow Wow) goes gaga over it, too, while the rest of the family "oohs" and "ahs" over its global positional system, stereo and other state-of-the-art features. Maybe a great sales pitch, but a mediocre movie.
8. Fat Albert
After going out of his way to complain about underachieving ghetto dwellers, creator Bill Cosby decided to revive his cartoon series from the Seventies about a dysfunctional gang that hangs out in a Philly junkyard. This time-travel turkey magically teleports the Cosby kids to the present, so they are conveniently unfamiliar with all the latest cultural developments and technological advances. As a result, advertisers have a product placement bonanza in which the boys are introduced to cell phones, computers, rap music, clothing lines and elsewhat.
As for the often offensive plot line, consider the case of Mushmouth, an illiterate who has always mumbled incoherently like Moms Mabley. Here, he is cured by a precocious, five year-old white girl after a one minute diction lesson, implying that not one person in the 'hood ever had the ability or the inclination to give the brother the help he needed. Hey! Hey! Hey! How about having more of a reason than nostalgia to adapt a TV show to the big screen?
7. The Hebrew Hammer
The Hebrew Hammer, technically a Jewsploitation flick, is about a bad, bold, big-nosed, biblical super-hero modeled on black studs like Shaft and Superfly. The picture's plot parallels that of a typical Seventies blaxploit, with the Semitic superhero tooling around town in a garish pimpmobile, but one sporting a Star of David-shaped hood ornament and rear window.
This ill-advised Kosher comedy, set in New York City, is stocked with enough Yiddish sayings to test even Jackie Mason's patience. The humor relies far too heavily on familiarity with Jewish stereotypes and presumes an inclination to find ethnic slurs funny. Far more offensive than amusing, it is no surprise that this fiasco grossed less than $20,000 at the box office.
6. Bring It On Again
The original Bring It On, the surprise hit of the summer of 2000, made household names of Kirsten Dunst and Gabrielle Union. That cheerleading competition had a palpable tension and a compelling plotline about an all-black team from the inner city accusing a lily-white competitor from the 'burbs of stealing its routines.
Neither Dunt nor Union signed on for this straight-to-video sequel. A curious tone is set in the opening scene on the first day of college when a white girl informs her new black roommate that the school's founder was a slave owner. The sister's superficial response is, "Our room has a ceiling fan," suggesting that an appreciation of material possessions is more important than an informative discussion of history.
I'm not sure what message the movie was trying to send by having the African-American protagonist prefer to change the subject rather than confront the truth and comment honestly about it. At the very least, it suggests a sheepish shallowness, at worst, a self-hating resignation. Overall, a moronic insult to the intelligence.
5. Shark Tale
This animated undersea adventure typecasts Will Smith as the voice of a trash-talking fish with a 5,000 clam debt that has him in hot water with the mob. Numerous anti-defamation organizations complained about this picture's insensitive linking of Italians with organized crime, and other groups were also demeaned by the film's tendency to trade in obvious stereotypes. Just as offensive as the school of Mafia fish speaking in 'fuhgedaboutits' and 'bada-bing, bada-booms' are several ostensibly black characters butchering English in Ebonics.
Despite all off the above, what's most irritating about Shark Tale is its incessant plastering of prominent ad placements across its cinematic seascape, ala a minor league baseball team's outfield wall. These commercials are passed-off as clever plays on words, because Coca-Cola has been transformed into Coral-Cola, Krispy Kreme into Kelpy Kreme, Old Navy into Old Wavy, The Gap into The Gup, etcetera. But each product's distinctive lettering and logo is so recognizable, that the actual brand names automatically register in the mind without necessarily noticing the slight spelling alterations.
4. White Chicks
Let's be honest, switching genders convincingly isn't easy to achieve even for effeminate, estrogen-enhanced transvestites already well-versed in the cross-dressing arts. But it's becomes an impossible assignment when you're starting a couple of African-American alpha males awkwardly lumbering around in heels trying to pass as coquettish Caucasian coeds with transparent falsettos.
Never do you think of Shawn and Marlon Wayans as anything but a couple of brothers misbehaving like skeevy Michael Jackson wannabes. When a flick fails visually, the dialogue doesn't really matter. However, if you must know, the script creates only cartoonish characters, stick figures who trade in the most juvenile, homophobic and intolerant humor imaginable about flatulence, gays, Latinos, blacks and dumb blondes.
Wince-inducing irritainment.
3. My Baby's Daddy
Everybody knows how funny Eddie Griffin and Anthony Anderson can be. So, nothing will prepare you for this woeful insult to the intelligence of anyone with an I.Q. that has reached room temperature. It is a non-stop exercise in crudeness based on a dubious premise, the notion that most males in the 'hood are uncouth, irresponsible players who only want to party and mate indiscriminately. Even worse is its storyline which resurrects all sorts of antiquated racist stereotypes, not only about blacks, but about Asians as well.
The plot, in 25 words or more, reads as follows: A trio of best friends/ confirmed bachelors simultaneously learn that they've each accidentally gotten a girlfriend pregnant. After the babies are born, the reluctant fathers grudgingly resign themselves to the responsibilities of child-raising, but not before waging an ugly war on women with no exit strategy.
This movie is riddled with awkward, cringe-inducing moments from start to finish, such as when a pregnant woman asks for some crack just as her baby is being delivered or when Chinese names and accents are repeatedly ridiculed simply for sounding different. Then there's the foul-mouthed, five year-old gangsta who's comfortable referring to adults by the 'N-word' and infants who discuss their mothers' mammaries in a very sexual manner.
Meanspirited dialogue like, "You know what you sound like? A bitch!" leaves a lot to be desired. And when not serving up hateful ideas, the movie keeps very busy with ads for Lays potato chips, Snoop Dog and Puff Daddy's clothing lines, Cheerios cereal, Baccardi rum, Pepsi soft drink, Kool cigarettes, Bactine antiseptic ointment and more.
There, I've warned the world.
2. The Cookout
The Cookout must have been what Samuel L. Jackson had in mind when he said he wasn't going to make any more movies with rappers-turned-actors. For the only thing that makes this otherwise forgettable blaxploit noteworthy are its unfortunate contributions from hip-hoppers both in front of and behind the camera.
This relentlessly offensive film reflects a recent cinematic trend toward relying heavily on rappers to resurrect crude, cringe-inducing stereotypes in an indiscriminate quest for a laugh. Given the base nature of the average rap video, I sense that these artists have become popular with the studios because they have already proven themselves to have no problem promulgating insulting images of African-Americans.
In a nutshell, the ghetto-meets-suburbia plot line reads as follows. a Rutgers basketball phenom signs a $30 million contract to play in the pros. Before the ink is dry, this boy from the 'hood hires a butler for his parents, buys his girlfriend some expensive diamond jewelry and treats himself to a Hummer.
His conspicuous consumption continues with a 7 bedroom, 10 bathroom mansion in Garden Ridge Estates, located in a posh New Jersey suburb where his arrival is regarded as ruining the neighborhood by the gated, upscale community. Basically, every joke rests on the idea that you can take a black man out of the ghetto, but that you can't take the ghetto out of a black man. For not only does the protagonist exhibit a terminal case of bad taste, but so does the menagerie of friends and relatives who arrive for the big barbecue.
As a result, we are treated to dumb dialogue like, "A cookout ain't never been a cookout without chitlins," during an unending contrast of poor and polite society. Far worse are the guests' depraved behaviors, which range from overindulging in drugs and alcohol to inappropriate sexual references to brandishing weapons to auto theft to armed robbery for sneakers to kidnapping to addressing women with misogynistic monikers.
That's a whole lot of wrong.
1. Soul Plane
The worst of the worst. Every time it looks like Hollywood might finally accept the post-racial notion of colorblind casting, along comes another one of those mind-boggling movies like Soul Plane, a picture in poor taste which dusts off every demeaning stereotype in the book. Passed off as family comedy, this cringe-inducing minstrel show is about the maiden voyage of an African-American owned airline.
The running joke in this one-trick pony is that black people are trifling and irresponsible when left to their own devices. Let’s see, the company's purple, pimpish jet has wheels that bounce as it taxies down the runway. Its pilot (Snoop Dogg) gets high on weed and hallucinogens in the cockpit and expresses an inclination to crash the plane into a mountain rather than pay any child support to one of his "bitches."
Most of the humor has to do with promiscuity. The co-pilot announces that every woman will be pregnant by the end of the flight. And to get the party started there's a nightclub on board outfitted with a hot tub. The garishly-dressed stewardesses and a gay as they come steward serve Colt 45 and other cheap liquor while most of the clientele quickly fall in lust with each other or, as in the case of a blind man (Witherspoon), with a vegetable.
Scantily-clad women stroll around with dopey-bimbo expressions when not experiencing screaming, Mile-High Club climaxes, and most of the men seem to have serious sanitation issues. The disgusting dialogue commits itself to referring to men with the N-word and to women with the basest of terms Overall, Soul Plane certainly sets a new low in self-hating cinema.
If this represents the future of filmmaking, heaven help us.